Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize