he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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