so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
don't judge my taste in strippers
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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