Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
