just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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