It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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