Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Actions speak louder than pants.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize