She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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