shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
