I want to make a zoo with you.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
