Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
