dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
