i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
His nipple licking is glorious
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