i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
