the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
