PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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