I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
