woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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