Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
