She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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