We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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