god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize