Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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