Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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