It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
