I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
