Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
