Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
