Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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