filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
