i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
