No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
