Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
