fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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