Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize