i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
