I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
