I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize