Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
