God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
