you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
