watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
