Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
