He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
