u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
