How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
