Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
