i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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