My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
3pm strippers are depressing
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
