the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
