Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
