i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
