oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
