Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm at about main and main street
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
