I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
