So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
