I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
