How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
