So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
