ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
