The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize