I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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