I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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