I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
