He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
