Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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