i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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