You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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