So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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