I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
