nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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