Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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