i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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