And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
