I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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